Information for Supporters
Often people will contact us because they have a friend or family member who has been affected by sexual violence and they want to know how they can support this person.
It is important to realize that each individual's healing journey will be unique. For some survivors healing can be a life long journey. As supporters it is important to recognize this and not feel frustrated by her progress.
We are often asked when and individual will go back to normal, and in our experience each survivor creates a new normal; changes in her life in order to cope with the trauma she has experienced and this can be difficult for those around her. It is important that as a support person, you also take care of yourself and talk to someone if you feel it is necessary.
On our crisis line we operate with a list of key messages that are found below.
As well you may consider accessing the resources found here.
1. See yourself as a caring first line of help, not an ongoing support. You cannot "fix" this for them but by listening and offereing your support you are doing a huge job.
2. Listen deeply and think about how she is feeling right now. What has she experienced? How would you feel if you were in her place?
3. Believe her. The greatest fear sexual survivors have is that they will not be believed. Be her safe place where she is believed without question.
4. Keep your personal feelings, and opinions to yourself. Do not judge her actions or her emotions. Everyone responds to trauma differently.
5. Comfort her. Try to calm her. Help to ground her if she’s anxious or upset. Do this in a soothing – not disapproving way.
6. Encourage her to treat her medical needs. She may not have thought about injuries, sexually transmitted infections or pregnancy.
7. Communicate the following messages:
I believe you.
It’s not your fault.
I’m sorry this happened to you.
You are not alone. This happens to many women.
There are people who can help.
8. Validate her feelings and concerns. Let her know that whatever she is feeling (embarrassment, anger, sadness, fear) is normal and okay.
9. Ask how you can help. Ask if there is something in particular she needs from you.
10. Let her make her own decisions and believe in her ability to make the best decision. Don’t tell her what she should do. Don’t tell her what you would do.
11. Encourage her to preserve evidence. Let her choose to report or not, but also tell her the sooner she reports the more likely charges will be filed and the offender convicted. Tell her you will find out together what is involved with reporting if she wishes.
12. Provide security. Help her feel safe. Help her create a network of support and referrals. Remember that she will know what feeling safe means to her, which could be as simple as your promise to keep this confidential.
13. Refer her to local resources (a sexual assault centre, a competent counsellor, a medical referral, a support group…). Offer alternatives, rather than just one choice.
14. Guarantee confidentiality. Tell her that you will not repeat this conversation, and don’t.